If you haven’t heard, the Hail the Titans van, known as “Ragnarok,” is for sale. In the words of Family Guy’s Ollie Williams, “Who wants this van?!”
It’s listed on Craigslist in the Montgomery area (which means I’m getting email from total idiot waste-of-space sub-human beings trying to scam me with some “I’ll send a money order once you give me your name, address, bank account number, social security number, blood type and first-born child” crap. Yesterday, I responded to one of them with “How about not trying to scam people? How does that sound?” But I’m thinking brevity might be the better response, so I may shorten it to the South Park inspired “Kill yourself.”)
Anyway… click here to see the Craigslist listing (and feel free to email it to your friends who may be in need of a van) and below is the text from the ad:
1984 Chevy G-20 Van [of the gods] – $1500 (Montgomery)
The van of the gods! Yes, this 1984 Chevy G-20 van is for sale, and Zeus wholeheartedly approves. I’m asking $1,500, and even that’s somewhat negotiable! (Zeus also approves of that, apparently.)
The seating set up includes four (yes, 4!) captains chairs that recline and a bench/sofa/futon seat in the back. Call it what you want — the back goes down and you can sleep on it. And when the back is not down, it’s like a bench — you can sit on it! It’s like the Transformers of van seating without Michael Bay explosions or Shia freakin’ LaBeooooooof or whatever his name is.
It includes a V8 engine (I think it’s a 305 for all of you mechanic-types out there) with automatic transmission. In fact, that transmission is pretty new. It was replaced maybe 5 or so years ago and has less than 30,000 miles on it.
The engine has about 135,000 on it.
There is no heating or A/C. Why? Because this is a man’s van! And it’s serious. This is what the most interesting man in the world would drive to get more Dos Equis. This is what John McClane would drive when he’s not busy dying hard. This is the van Jean Claude Van Damme wanted to go back in time for in Time Cop.
A friend ran a new wire for the brake lights. See, they went out awhile back. Now the one on the driver’s side works. That same turn signal works. But guess what? One brake light is better than none. Fact. Oh, and turn signals. . . have you driven in Montgomery, Autauga, Elmore or Chilton counties? Apparently, you don’t need turn signals anway. At least that’s what I can tell by many of the drivers.
Oh, and if all this awesomeness wasn’t enough, it has a towing package. “What?!” you exclaim, “all this and I can haul stuff, too!?” Yes. You can. (Zeus agrees.)
One stipulation: the van has mini-blinds in it, so if you have a mustache, you may be prohibited by law from purchasing. I am not a politician; therefore, I don’t make the rules. Full beards, goatees, soul patches and clean shaven is OK. (I think the law applies to ladies, too, by the way.) But only having a mustache could be a problem, especially if you plan to transport candy, ice cream or puppies.
So grow a beard, buy this van, and show the world how awesome you are!
In other news, I have an acoustic show tomorrow at Head on the Door. I’ll be performing with my friend Bobby Lee (check out his music on Facebbok: The Changing Me) from Dothan.
And… it looks like …and the Lawyers is heading to Troy Friday night to play the Double Branch with Reason to Fall.