“Dear customer!”

While checking my email, I glance down to see the subject line “Unpaid surcharges #2855384.” A sense of panic sets in; the room feels warmer; sweat begins to appear on my furrowed brow.

“How on earth could I have missed paying my surcharges #2855384?” I ask myself. I mean, who in their right mind could possibly miss paying surcharges (all of them, because it’s plural) #2855384?! I must be slipping these days!

I must find out more! So I open this email, which I’m sure contains a way for me to rectify this dire situation with the urgent immediacy it requires.

Dear customer!” (hey, that’s me!) it begins, letting the lone exclamation mark convey a happier tone of the message, almost as if to say that they’d be willing to work with me, or be more understanding of my utter forgetfulness of failing to pay surcharges #2855384. It seems friendly, and that exclamation mark helps to calm my nerves.

You have the forfeits for property tax.” Ho.Ly. Shit. I had no idea that I have the forfeits for property tax. How long have I had them? And why did they wait this long to tell me?!

The summary is in the attached ZIP-file.” Well, that’s a relief. All I need to do is click the ol’ “download” button and get this taken care of.

You gotta check out it before June 29th 2014. Your account number: BHN/11995.” I like that official legal notices are becoming more hip to modern lingo. It also helps me to be able to read it in a John Travolta voice. “Hey, Mista Kotta, you gotta check… out… it… you know, before some day in June.” But at least I’ve got some time. Relief.

Otherwise you’ll receive additional punishment.” Well, shit. John Travolta’s voice doesn’t help that one as much. It’s also kind of vague…

Yours very truly, head of Police department #155.” What a polite closing from Mr. head of Police department #155. The head of Police department #154 never gave that polite of a closing. They seemed to have gotten better PR. Good for them.

I think I’ve written something similar to this post before…


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