‘I’m sorry that I’m such a mess’

“I’m sorry that I’m such a mess.
I drank all my money could get.”

Those lyrics kept popping into my head. It took me a minute to figure it out at first. I kept thinking, “I know this song.” And then I realized it was “If You Don’t, Don’t” by Jimmy Eat World.

It’s interesting how a song or a lyric – or just a line or phrase – can grab you. As a musician myself, I always have that hope that maybe something I’ve written will resonate with someone.

Generally this blog is reserved for projects I’m working on, but every once in a while, I go personal.

Last year was the year I actually went public about depression.

There are lots of sites and blogs that post about that and other related issues, and it’s almost a recurring theme in some of those, that the writer would discuss writing about it, but be hesitant to actually post it publicly, thinking it was too personal or that others wouldn’t get it. It’s a scary and vulnerable feeling to actually go through and hit that “publish” button. But then they share it with a friend or two and get a reaction like, “me too!” or “I thought I was the only one!”

In the depths of it, it can feel lonely and hopeless. I think that’s because it’s such an internal struggle. It’s brain chemicals and thought processes and coping habits. It’s not visual or tangible like a broken arm or even a cold.

And you feel like “such a mess,” as the song states, and you feel apologetic for being that way. (I don’t think the entirety of that song really has anything to do with what I’m writing about necessarily; it’s just that one part that resonated with me.)

Maybe being more open can help end the stigma around issues like depression or anxiety or a host of other things that can be uncomfortable to talk openly about. Maybe it can create more understanding. Maybe it can make people feel less alone when they read something and have that “me too!” reaction. I don’t know. But I hope so.

Much love to you. Thanks for reading.

 

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