Mental Health America has a “Fight in the Open” campaign to help reduce the stigma around mental health issues. People struggle, and many don’t feel OK talking about it aloud, much less publicly.
While I have talked about my struggles with depression publicly before, lately, I feel like a hypocrite.
My mental health has been absolute shit lately. It took a nose dive in late January, and for weeks I have been back in a deep depression the likes of which I have not seen in at least a couple of years.
And what have I done? Well, I tried to hide it – again. I didn’t talk about it – again. I didn’t reach out for help – again. I’ve made many of my closest friends worry about me – again.
I have had suicidal thoughts every day for weeks. Every. Fucking. Day. And why? Objectively, my life is good. I’ve got wonderful friends that genuinely care about me – who convince me and proceed to drive me to the doctor to get help (thank you, WT.) I’m working on film and music projects, doing the things I love. I have a lot to be thankful for, and still, that doesn’t stop the thoughts and feelings that have plagued me lately.
I’m not writing this out of pity. Or attention. Or sympathy. Or whatever else anyone may think is an ulterior motive. One thing about me is that I’m not a “cry for attention” type of person. If I had a specific plan to end my life, this blog would be set to publish after the fact.
Authenticity is a big thing for me, and this is simply my way of trying to be authentic. Social media is fake. We post pics of the good times, not the times we’re falling to pieces. We post the wins, not the losses. We post the smiles, not the breakdowns. So I’ve avoided social media much more than usual.
Anyway… I’m trying. I’m back in therapy. There’s a safety plan. I’m still here. I’m still working on my art while trying to work on myself. This is my way of trying to fight in the open. And if me talking about this publicly can help someone else, somehow, I hope it does.
Much love to you for taking the time to read this. Check on your people.