Shadowboxing

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I’m not one to post a bunch of inspirational memes or quotes. Nothing against it – you do you; it’s just not really my personality. But hey, someone might need to see it. That someone might even be me.

You never really know what’s going to inspire someone to think, to evaluate a situation or part of their life. Introspection.

I do a lot of thinking. Almost constantly, it seems. It reminds me of lyrics from the song “Shadowboxing” by Julien Baker:

I know you were trying to help
But you’re only making it worse
Tell me that I shouldn’t blame myself
But you can’t even imagine how badly it hurts
Just to think sometimes
How I think almost all the time

That speaks to me. It’s authentic. It’s real. It’s honest.

Depression is a motherfucker. The racing thoughts, the lack of sleep, the internal voice that just won’t shut the fuck up.

So far, 2019 has been kind of a shit show. And I have to admit my role in it – I ignored my mental and emotional health for at least three years. And I’ve had a lot to deal with and process during that time. Shit catches up to you sometimes.

Of course, there have been bright spots – film projects, music events, art shows, my band hitting the studio, etc. I don’t want to discount any of those. But at other times, it’s like my brain is trying to kill me.

Some things just get old. I’m tired of feeling let down by people. I’m tired of my trust being violated. I’m tired of dishonesty. I’m tired of losing friends.

If you’ve read this far, thank you. This is me being open, honest, and authentic. This is me attempting to talk about things that sometimes feel shunned. This is me trying one small way to fight the stigma around mental illness.

And I don’t want to end on a negative. I know other people who are struggling right now. So check on your people. Be kind to a stranger. Spread some love. Share some music. Continue being the badass person that you are. Find the beauty in the world.

Much love.

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